Don't Ask!
by Dead Life
Summary: Me, Trisha, and Jess have a talk show with some of Tortall's characters... with a rabid squirrel, time machine, sarcastic audience, and one defunk time machine!


Don't Ask!

Chapter one: Chicken or the Egg?

IN TORTALL:

Jessica: *sneaking around in a black suit like thieves wear, and on her shoulder is a squirrel wearing the same thing* hehehe…. *Spots Jon and Thayet, and jump on them, throwing them into a big bag behind her* Nyah nyah!!! *runs into the bag herself, and disappears*

Some random dude: Hello? King Jon? Hmm…

IN AN OLD ABANDONED WEREHOUSE:

Jessica: *tosses Jon, Thayet, Numair, Alanna, and George out of her bag, ties them up, then skips happily out of the room*

Jon: Where are we?

Alanna: Dunno.

George: How do we get out of here?

Thayet: _You're_ the ex-king of thieves! You figure it out.

Alanna: Why don't I burn the ropes off?

Numair: Right. *the two mages burns everyone's ropes off*

Thayet: Who ever brought us here wasn't very bright.

Jon: Obviously.

The group walked out of the room. To there surprise, the doors opened automatically, revealing a stage. Next to the doors they came out of was a blinking sign that said: Don't Ask! The floor was wooden. 6 wooden chairs stood in the middle of the room. Each one had a name on it (in order): Daine, Numair, Jon, Thayet, Alanna, and George. Next to George's chair was a big red sofa chair with barbed wire running all over it. On the back it said: THE CHAIR OF DOOM!!! On the other side of the stage, next to Daine's chair, were two throne-looking sofas like the ones at therapists. Then, a girl with chin-length blonde hair came running on stage.

Trisha: What are _you_ doing here? The show starts in five minutes!

Alanna: Why's there a chair with Daine's name on it if Daine's not here?

Trisha: THAT'S NOT THE POINT!! Oh, wait, Jess didn't tell you anything, did she?

Jon: The girl with the crazy squirrel?

Trisha: Yeah. Her. Anyway, Dead Life brought you here. Well, Jess did under Dead's orders. This is a talk show called 'Don't Ask!' where Dead Life asks you-

Numair: Then why is it called 'Don't Ask!'?

Trisha: Don't ask. Anyway, she asks you to pick 1,2, or 3. Depending on what you pick is the question you have to talk about the whole show. Understand?

Thayet: Why us?

Trisha: Don't ask.

Jon: … I think I know how it got called 'Don't Ask!'…

Trisha: You're the guests. SO GO BACK INTO THAT ROOM AND DON'T COME BACK OUT UNTILL THE DOORS OPEN!!!!!

Everyone: OK!!! *runs back into the room, which they now know says 'Guests'. Then, lights turn on, revealing an audience.*

Some camera dude: Show starts in 5..4..3..2…1!

Trisha: Hi, welcome to…

Audience: Don't Ask!

Trisha: the first episode in the first season! Now, here's your host…. Dead Life!!! *Doors like the guests one start opening. Skulls on either side of them start blinking, and black fog pours out of the room. A girl in a black robe steps out*

Dead Life: *takes off her robe, and you see she is wearing the same thing Jess was* HIYAH!!!!

Trisha: And today's co-host… DAINE!!!

Daine: *walks out, smiling. The two then sit in the thrones*

Trisha: And now, your guests… Numair, Jon, Thayet, Alanna, and George! *the five walk out of the doors, and sit in their chairs. Trisha runs off stage*

DL(Dead Life): Hiya, guys!! Welcome to Don't Ask!

Daine: Pick a number between 1 and 3!

Alanna: 2.

Daine: OKAY!

DL: Today we will be talking about the oh-so famous question we all know and probably don't love… Which came first: the chicken or the egg?

Daine: And I'm here to help you!

Numair: That's easy. The chicken.

Alanna: No, the egg. The egg came first.

Numair: What made the egg?

Alanna: … the chicken? Oh, and what made the chicken?

Numair: … the egg?

DL: Uh… why don't we pick another question?

Numair/Alanna: NO!!

DL: … Ok?

Daine: Well, this is also like pondering about how everything has to have a start. What made time? Before everything, there was nothing. Actually, not even nothingness. There wasn't the absence of color. There wasn't mass, space, ANYTHING!! Not even nothing. Think about it. Was there once just nothingness?

Thayet: The gods created it all.

DL: What made the gods?

Thayet: …

DL: This causes for a… FIELD TRIP!!! TRISHA!!! JESS!! GET OUT HERE!!! *Trisha and Jess run out*

Trisha: What is it?

DL: Well, while we all are going on a field trip to figure out how everything started, and which came first: the chicken or the egg?, I need you to entertain the audience.

Jess: OKAY!!! Where to first?

DL: The start of time!

Jess: OKAY!!! *snaps her fingers and they are now in a big tube thingy flying backwards*

Jon: … WHERE THE HELL ARE WE!?

DL: We're in Jess's time machine going back to the start. This could take a while.

George: But what if there wasn't a start? What if everything was here forever?

DL: Then we'll be in her forever. WAIT!!! NOOOO! JESS!!! GET US OUT OF HERE!!!!

BACK TO THE WEREHOUSE:

Jess: heheh… uh, Trish?

Trisha: Yeah?

Jess: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Trisha: I don't know.

Jess: To get to the other side!

Trisha: *bursts out in fake laughter*

Audience: … BOO!

Jess: Uh-oh.

Trisha: Now what?

Jess: …

Trisha: Just great.

BACK IN THE TIME MACHINE

DL: Uh… Why did the chicken cross the road?

Everyone else: …

DL: To get to the other side!

Everyone else: …

DL: Great.

Daine: Thanks to your bright idea of a field trip, we may never get back.

DL: Actually, now that I think about it, we will never get back.

Numair: WHAT!?

DL: Yeah. For every year you go back, it takes 10 minutes. And knowing how long it took just to form the universe, eh, we'll be in here for about 1,000,000,000,000,000 minutes. Maybe longer. Maybe we'll never get there.

Thayet: And why the HELL ARE YOU SO CALM!?

DL: Jess will get us eventually. I hope.

George: I'm not to happy with the odds here.

Alanna: Agreed.

DL: Stop being such wimps.

Daine: So now what?

DL: … Why'd the chicken cross the road?

BACK AT THE WEREHOUSE:

Trisha: … to get to the other side. I know.

Jess: Spoil sport. *covered in tomatoes*

Trisha: I know! Let's spy on DL!

Jess: Good idea! *takes out a remote, and turns a TV on* This ought to get the ratings up.

Audience: *wakes up*

Jess: YEAH!!!

ON TV SCREEN:

Alanna: What about using magic to get out?

Numair: Like there is a spell we could use.

Alanna: Point taken.

George: *falling asleep, then disappears*

Alanna: O.O GEORGE!!!!

DL: Oh, duh! I'm so stupid! For safety reasons, if you fall asleep in here you're automatically taken back!

Numair: So all we have to do is fall asleep?

DL: Yeah. Only naturally, though. Machine can't detect magic.

Alanna: That sucks.

Daine: Well, at least we won't rot away in here. *transforms into a cat, curls into a ball, and falls asleep. Then disappears.*

Numair: Great.

DL: Heh. *pulls out a CD player, lays back on air and listens to lullabies*

Jon: I'm a king, though! Kings don't sleep!

Thayet: Better learn to… *does same thing as DL, 'cept for the CD player*

Alanna: *yawns, and then disappears*

Numair: Just you and me, Jon.

Jon: But DL and Thayet are here.

Numair: Not for long.

Jon: True…

Numair: So now what?

Jon: At least you know how to sleep.

Numair: Guess you're stuck in here. *starts falling asleep*

5 MINUTES LATER

Jon: *only one in the tube* Hello? NOOOO!!! I feel… so… alone… THAYET! DL! GEORGE! NUMAIR! GET BACK HERE!!!!!!!

IN WERE HOUSE

DL: *laughing her head off* This will be funny.

Numair: Wanna bet how long before he cracks! *takes bets*

Jess: DL, we're gonna run outta time.

DL: This is a long show, Jess. You can yank him out at the end of the show.

Jess: Ok!

DL: Look! He's sucking his thumb!

Daine: *in tears* This is rich. Anyway, what about the question?

DL: Just go ask a chicken.

Daine: I hate chickens.

DL: WHAT!?

Daine: I'll go ask a duck.

DL: *Shrugs*

Numair: Mithros… look at him. He's tearing his hair out. He's cracked.

Thayet: *to Alanna* Told ya so.

Jess: Take him out?

George: When he's bald.

DL: … yeah. When he's bald.

Jess: … Okaaaay… 

Daine: *comes back in* The duck says that it's none of your business and that I shouldn't tell you but I will anyway cuz then we will all suffer if I don't and I don't want that even though it is rude to disregard the duck's wishes to not tell you but I don't want to know what you're like when you're mad and crazy cuz that would be really scary and you would probably kill me and I want to live like everyone else in this room does so I decided I will tell you but just make sure you don't tell the duck I told you cuz I also don't want to face the wrath of a duck even though I could easily defeat it- *runs out of air, and takes a deep breath* with my bow but then other ducks would attack me and a whole swarm of ducks wouldn't be fun at all so I would probably then die, and I'm not sure but I don't think dieing is fun at all so I will have to be extra careful and whisper it to you and then I should be OK, unless some how the duck finds out so the odds are I shouldn't, but then you'd go insane like I said so I'll tell you exactly what it said, OK it said that the duck probably came first and the developed the habit of laying eggs even though it really isn't sure so I should stop asking dumb questions.

Numair: … I never knew it was possible to talk so much and all in one sentence.

DL: … I agree…

Jess: DL, you know you do that.

DL: So?

Trisha: So, the odds are that the duck came first?

Numair: TOLD YA SO!!

Alanna: Sore winner.

Numair: Sore looser.

Daine: *sigh* Now children, behave.

DL: *snicker*

Alanna: So, is that all?

DL: We still have more time… so…

Jess/DL: Why did-

Everyone else: DON'T ASK!!!

Jess/DL: ok… but it's a good joke.

George: Uh… what about Jon?

DL: *turns pale* Oh. Yeah. Him. Jess?

Jess: K! *Jon appears, now with no hair*

Thayet: *giggles*

Jon: HALLELUIAH! Uh… what's so funny? *DL hands him a mirror* O.O NO!

DL: *to audience* OK, reviewers! You can be in the next (hopefully) longer chapter! All ya gotta do is review with your name and who ya wanna hit with a tomato, and what ya have to say by 2/06/04!

Trisha: See you next time on…

Audience: DON'T ASK!!!


End file.
